Reminiscence

Yoongi doesn’t know why Seokjin would lie about something as important as the reason for leaving.

It was a one fine autumn day when Seokjin held his hand; they were walking side by side on a footpath near their favorite city park. Yoongi knew there was something wrong since Seokjin never held his hand for no reason. He remembered that the elder only held his hand when he wanted to say something important, felt guilty for definitely a good reason, or other necessary things. So he stopped, waited for Seokjin to say what he wanted to say—there must be something.

A sigh heard, Yoongi realized this must be a hard one to say and his heart started to pound beyond control. Seokjin was smiling, a smile that Yoongi wouldn’t forget because he realized it was fake and Seokjin isn’t a type who loves to fake what he feels; he’s blunt enough to say what’s inside his head and careless enough to act the way he wants to when he’s having a bad day. It’s probably the only common thing they shared.

“I’m going tomorrow,” Yoongi tried not to look surprised but he doubted Seokjin wouldn’t realize the change in expression. “I get a scholarship abroad, there’s no way I can turn it down.. Why should I, anyway?” He forced himself to chuckle.

Seokjin wasn’t a paradox, he was easy to guess—never a need to guess, his face always said what was on his mind innocently. He wasn’t a good liar, and he wouldn’t be one. Ever. That was the only time when Yoongi couldn’t figure out the truth behind the fake smile, and the only time when Seokjin successfully lied as well.

Yoongi remembered how desperate he was when he heard that. How he said nothing but pulled the older and shared their very last kiss. He couldn’t ever restrain Seokjin if it was about his education and future, who was he anyways. It was true that he didn’t want to part from him, but he respected his choice too. Yoongi also remembered how he tightly hugged Seokjin, whispering something like “I’ll be waiting” and “Don’t you dare go for another man” while Seokjin remained in silent for seconds.

“Yoongi, the point is—” the cool wind made them shivered, wondered why that year’s autumn felt extremely cold. “I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to… Forget me.”

They both knew that Yoongi wouldn’t agree, still, Seokjin tried to explain. “I’ll go for years and to be honest, I’m not ready for a long-distance relationship. It’s as hard as it seems, Yoongi-ah,” he tried to ignore Yoongi’s glare. “This is for the best, I hope you can understand,” said the one with glasses.

It was a cliché excuse, Yoongi couldn’t even believe that those words were coming out from Seokjin who always commented about the main couple’s breakup every night when they would watch some melancholy romance dramas. Somehow, he insisted that both of them would be used to the distance and everything would be okay—it’s as cliché as Seokjin’s words but Yoongi didn’t mind at all.

But the day after, in the early morning when he just wanted to bury himself in blankets because accompanying Seokjin to the airport would break his heart even more, a call woke him up. Yoongi was not fully awake when he saw Jungkook’s name on his phone screen, ready to cussed but before the bad words came out from his mouth, he heard a sobbing sound from the younger instead.

“Yoongi-hyung, Seokjin-hyung… He…”

And again, Yoongi doesn’t know why Seokjin would lie about something as important as the reason for leaving, since leaving is hurting enough.

It turned out that Seokjin was sick and he had less than a month to breathe and say goodbye to the world, to every single person he loves. Yoongi was such a fool that he wasn’t aware of Seokjin’s nosebleeds for the past months, his pale face or maybe the headache that Seokjin often complained about. Seokjin always took a good care of him yet he was too blind to realize there was something wrong with his so called lover’s health condition.

The worst part is, the day his parents wanted to take him abroad for medication (yes, he lied about the scholarship), Seokjin went out during the night for some fresh air—ended up getting hit by a car. The cause of his death was not his disease, but the accident. And Yoongi was smart enough to know that it wasn’t by pure accident, Seokjin planned this before. Yoongi knew for a fact that Seokjin hate to be pitied, he hate to see people worried about him, he just… He didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.

Seokjin never left him a letter, an email nor messages. Their last conversation on the footpath was really their last words. And that’s why Seokjin’s goodbye when Yoongi was going to go home after walked him sounds so different, like they won’t ever meet each other anymore.

Indeed they won’t.

Yoongi sits on the park bench, closing his eyes and tries not to feel the ache inside. One year has passed yet today, he still comes to the park; so does yesterday, two days ago, a week ago, and so on. He keeps thinking about the lie Seokjin told him the last day they were together. Why should it be a lie? Why he didn’t tell the truth so they could spend a little more time together?

“Because I can’t handle the fact that I’ll be gone, and you won’t accept the fact that you’ll be left alone,” it’s something that Seokjin would say, Yoongi thinks. Typical Seokjin.

Then again, it doesn’t change anything; Seokjin left, and Yoongi suffers from all the guilt, anger, longing, and loneliness by himself.

“Everything you take care of will be gone,” Jungkook said at Seokjin’s funeral. “But it doesn’t mean you’ll lose them, that’s why God gives you the power to reminisce,” he continued with a weak voice—the words were for him, but Yoongi knew that Jungkook needed the words as much as him.

Yet the words feel so wrong because every time Yoongi tries to reminisce everything about Seokjin because he just can’t handle it, the tears will force it’s way out from his eyes right away and he still feels so lost.

It’s not the memories that he needs, he needs Seokjin.

And Yoongi knows best that what he needs is something which can’t be found anywhere.

FIN

You know english is not my first language, right? /chuckles awkwardly/